America's Sweetheart 10-22-2012

America’s Sweetheart

Your foolproof, last minute Halloween costume

Halloween is one of those odd holidays that tends to sneak up on you. Without having to deal with the (delightful) burden of hosting your extended family a la Christmas, Passover, or something so tedious as Evelyn’s birthday it can easily fly under the radar. Next thing you know that costume-required party is mere days away and you haven’t begun to think of, let alone assemble an appropriately witty yet handsome getup.

Well gents and cough Halberstram, you can put away those thinking caps and leave the scrambling to your morning omelette – because we have the ultimate costume for you already located in your closet.

The Bateman.

It all starts with a balanced diet and morning exercise routine. If your face is a little puffy from the night before, apply an ice pack while doing your morning crunches. It’ll viciously maim and kill two birds with one stone.

Next, use a deep pore cleanser lotion and then in the shower, a water activated gel cleanser, followed by a honey almond body scrub and finish with an exfoliating gel scrub for the face. Whatever you do, don’t apply products with alcohol, as it dries out the skin and makes you look older – Paul Allen clearly hasn’t been heeding this advice.

After you’ve dried off and checked for any lingering…stains, pull out a power suit fresh from the cleaners. One that says, “yeah my Dad practically owns the company” but not too dapper because you want to fit in.

Ready for a little mood music? Have your secretary take your messages and grab a cassette deck and walkman for vintage appeal (c’mon, we know you still have yours) and enjoy the clear, crisp sound and sheen of consummate professionalism that is Huey Louis and the News. Their early work was a little too new wave but when Sports came out in eighty-three, they really came into their own, commercially and artistically.

After impeccably matching your shoes to your belt and picking out a dashing, blood-red tie, reach into the way back of your closet for that clear plastic rain coat you keep for returning videotapes. The last thing you’d want are any fluids ruining the perfection that is your ensemble.

Last but certainly not least, grab your trusty axe. Let’s see them reject your dinner reservation at Dorsia now.

TAGS: @angrypatbateman | american psycho | Brooks Brothers | halloween 2012 | last minute halloween costume | pat bateman | patrick bateman

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  • avatar
    What brand of raincoat is that?
    27 months ago | Report abuse |
    • avatar
      The Editors
      It was a find on eBay. Generic actually.
      27 months ago | Report abuse |